of your eyes, begonia skies

I haven't written here in ages and I never thought I'd write here again but here I am crawling back to all these places, all these spaces that were never quite meant for me in the first place.  

i'd never thought that one day i would actually run away from words, from creating sentences and run-on lines that flowed from my veins to yours, from creating worlds and canvases and whatever else you can create with the grandeur of words — 

but perhaps i am afraid.  i am afraid of you grabbing your pen and scrawling all over me, and i will be a mess of ink and torn paper and there will be running and crying, and more running and crying and screaming "I AM NOT A VESSEL" before i collapse into myself once more, just like I have a thousand times before.  

but maybe i fear myself.  i fear my innermost fears, and i fear myself in my rawest form, i fear my craving for company and i fear my very own fear of solitude.  it takes one to really live the way i do, to tuck myself in safely to the warmth of my covers before the wildness of the night starts trickling into my veins, trickling down my cheeks, trickling into every pore of my being.  i fear and i fear and i fear and all that ever populates my brain are my fears, and i latch onto them with all that is left in me, all that would ever be left within me 

perhaps what i really really really fear is the way i rely upon validation to make myself feel wanted and loved and wanted and loved, and perhaps what is truly revolting within that is my inability to make myself feel wanted and loved

what does it take for one to realize that it's okay to feel alone it's okay to feel angry and irritated and left out without feeling bad for all the things that you've felt and all of the people that have done you wrong but you've swallowed down without a thought 

what does it take for one to realize that it's okay to feel everything that you've ever felt and everything that you are feeling right now 

what does it take for one to realize that sometimes it's okay for you to wake up feeling like the world, with every empire and dynasty that has ever lived comes crashing at your feet, to be earth-struck windswept, to feel like you want to be buried 3485694854968 miles beneath ground level so much so that you can feel the very first signs of an earthquake

what does it take for one to realize that it's all okay, that you are not an accumulation of your past mistakes, that you are not entirely made of flaws, that it's okay to not want to be okay sometimes and that it isn't always your fault 

what does it take for one to realize that it's okay to be selfish sometimes it's okay to love yourself sometimes, it's okay to delude yourself into thinking the world would stop spinning for a little while sometimes 

i don't know 

i hope you learn to love yourself so much 

that no one will ever have to anymore