i am so, so, so tired of wallowing in self pity all the time and just burying my face under the covers and pinching myself until the crescents of my fingertips sting red into the surface of my skin and i am sorry for wanting to feel sorry for myself, for wanting to be buried beneath every crashing wave, every fallen building, to be long forgotten so much so that every single trace of my being knows to non-existence i am sorry i am sorry i am sorry it's all my fault
i am wrong time and time again and i have never been a single right but please please please please stop trampling all over me it's painful it's painful do you know it hurts do you know your words are more cutting than the all too familiar feeling of that cold blade against my skin do you know that i am human too do you know that it hurts is it alright if you don't just exist to reinforce my inadequacies as a person
i'm sorry i am never enough never enough for anyone around me never enough for the people i love and the people i want to love and i would base my entire existence on just being enough for every single one of you i want to fill all your cups until you're full and happy and i don't mind being empty again you can bleed me dry until i shrivel into un-existence i just want all of your cups to be full i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i am not writing this for you to pity i am not writing this for you to tell me that it's okay i'm not writing this for anyone i am writing this because i am so fucking sorry i am sorry that it's hurting me but it's okay i'm growing to be immune to pain i'm growing to learn that pain is part and parcel of my existence and i'm growing to love the pain because nothing has ever hurt me more than what you're doing to me fuck i am sorry
i'll take it in with every fibre of my being i'd like to think that i love you but maybe i don't maybe i don't know how to love maybe i am not made for love or meant to be loved maybe i am innately selfish and maybe i don't know how much of a terrible person i really am but take it back take it all back i give it all to you i hope karma bites me hard in the fucking ass because i deserve it in every way imaginable
i want to love you i want to love you i just want to be enough please teach me how to be enough i am sorry i am inadequate i don't deserve to be happy i don't deserve anyone or anything i don't deserve a fucking thing i deserve to die i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i don't think i am worthy at all i am not worthy of anyone or anything
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