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i don't even know where to begin and i don't even know if i can write anymore.  i used to think that writing was a form of reprieve, but the more i think about it the more it hurts me to be pouring my entire heart out on ink and paper for people who wouldn't even give a half-assed attempt to affirm or respond to what i'd spend sleepless nights mulling about, how the words 'i don't care' have never been so brutally flung out at me, how i'd speak to you with the full brunt of my emotions only to watch you retreat and detach yourself, and all that's ever known to me now is that i'm just not worth your fight. everything hurts so much that i can't come to fathom what hurts more; the way my mother cried as though something in her snapped beyond repair, the way my father would look at me with a forlornness in his eyes that makes me feel insanely guilty for god knows why, the very fact that we've walked right out of each other's lives and there's no way out no turning back no second chances, two decisive strikes across my wrist or the very fact that i've succumbed to less than ideal methods of coping. i don't know i feel so disappointed in myself so disappointed in you i feel like i've disappointed everyone i'm so sorry i would bleed for each and every one of you and i don't know what else to do i just want you all to stay don't go don't trample on me i'm so afraid to touch anything now for fear that they'll just crumble and break at my fingertips DON'T LEAVE DON'T DIE ON ME TONIGHT
remember when you used to tell yourself that you'll avoid love at all costs that you'll fill in the void with something else and even when i started to find myself making a home out of you i was still afraid still afraid that the shelters will crumble that the awnings wouldn't be able to withstand thunderstorms that this fireplace will turn cold with distance and i was right, like i've always been about these things.  i remember telling myself to remember these moments and keep them as close to home as you ever can, to remember every single detail as intricately as they happened because one day you'll lose them one day all that will ever stay are memories.  because no one's actually ever stayed because i am not and never will be worthy of anyone or anything because i'd tell you that i'd destroy myself for you and you'll still get up and leave anyway and glass will shatter and everything will come undone, and that's when heartbreak comes at full force leaving things mopey and wet and sappy for days and days on end.
but this isn't the kind of heartbreak i've long anticipated, this isn't the heartbreak i've prepared myself for, because heartbreak disguises itself with fear and self-denial, because it forces you to run away from the reality and the things you're most afraid to hear, and it hits you the hardest when you're most vulnerable, always always always when you're at the very cusps of breaking.
i can't distract myself anymore and i just wish you knew how much it fucking hurts to wake up to the same thought time and time again that you don't want this anymore that things have changed that maybe you have changed and that something in me snaps every single time and the only comforting thing about that is i'll only have to bleed a few more times until the pain numbs out
and i'll get used to it