goodbye

this will be the last time i'll write in a long, long time — i can't bring myself to do it anymore, and i lack the mental dexterity and capacity to comfort myself with the same words that destroyed me to begin with.  you see the thing about love and all its complications is that you can't really discern between this passionate, fiery orb of loving emotion and deep, intense fear, so much so that this orb of emotion disguises itself with fear that you cling to it with dear life, and you hold on so tight that you forget why you ever started in the first place. you fear, because you fear loss, you're afraid of people walking out of your life all the time, you fear because you've never really been able to deal with loss. and i need you to learn to face your fears, not build homes with shaky foundations and spend your entire life praying that it won't collapse because it will.  it will come crumbling down just the way you expected — perhaps not the way you envisioned, but you saw it coming all the same — and when you're left in the ruins trying to fathom how things fell apart, you'll begin to understand that the foundations you built could never really withstand thunderstorms in the first place; and you'll begin to see that these foundations can only be sturdily constructed with time and endurance and not hastily put together in momentary indulgence; and sometimes jumping and falling into things doesn't really get you anywhere.
i hope you learn that you shouldn't let fear take over you anymore, that someday you'll gain the courage of facing the things that scare you the very most even if it means you've got so, so so much to lose.  i hope you learn to never ever ever compromise your happiness for anything or anyone else, that selfless love, is but an ideal, and i want you to guard your heart with every single thing that you've got and left inside of you. don't ever, ever, ever, ever settle for anything less than what you deserve don't do it for anyone as much as you want to because at the end of the day you'll be left with so much less than you ever had to begin with. and with that, i'd like to think that in another life maybe we could've loved each other, no bad timings, no second thoughts, no borrowed time
but for now i won't write for anyone or anything anymore,  not again, not ever.
maybe in a better time i'll see myself back here and i'll remember why i started, maybe i'll remember why i ever had passion in the first place, but not right now, not like this.