:-(

haven't posted in a really really long time and i have so much on my mind and so much i want to document before i forget all these feelings and so here goes:
i really, really, really cannot stress how much i hate feeling insecure and inferior and just wishing i was so much more than i actually am and i mean this both academically and as a person....like, it's so awfully infuriating, how i could never really compare to someone who is expected to be the same calibre as i am, how i am once more fumbling at rock bottom still really clueless and directionless and i wish i had more purpose and drive in me to strive for the places i really really want to be, i wished i realized sooner that passion on its own doesn't quite get you anywhere, and how i wished i could be as motivational and inspirational to myself as to everyone around me and honestly what scares me the most is perhaps at the end of the day i don't believe in myself...perhaps not anymore, or perhaps i never really did to begin with
it scares me, on other days how half-assed i really am about everything and i really wish there was more to me than these clouds of self-doubt and insecurities and fears and at the end of the day i am honestly just afraid, afraid of reaching further afraid of reaching out afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone like i just want to be significant or have the ambition to be someone of significance sigh everything is so cluttered right now i can't even formulate a proper sentence without sounding convoluted like wow frags wow you can't even get one thing right in your life

and what i've come to realize today is that a person really isn't anything more than a person and within all of us there's this desire to connect to feel and we all want to feel vulnerable and loved and needed and i wished i was more daring to reach in a little more i wish i was braver and less afraid of opening up and less afraid of being vulnerable and perhaps at the bottom of it all i just don't ever, ever, ever, want to hurt again and every now and then there are still remnants of this hurt...or the way pain used to feel and perhaps it's just something i never want to forget or have to go through one more time despite knowing it's all part and parcel of life and growing up and moving on and letting go and if there's one thing i need to learn it's to unclench my fists a little more, loosen my grip and let go of things not meant for me