"i tie my life to your balloon and let it go"

i have started and stopped, started and stopped this very post a million times because my words keep getting lost and i end up forgetting what i want to say, and all the things i've felt but no longer feel.  i've learnt that heartache doesn't always come at night — it can hit you like a pang in the foothills of your chest at 5.29pm in the evening, at 9.01a.m in the morning when you're making breakfast; sometimes it hits you when you least expect it to...when you're re-entering familiar territory, when you accidentally retrace footsteps or return to places you've sworn to keep away from... sadness comes in waves and sometimes it hits you like a tsunami and other times it stings when you feel the water gently lapping at your shores...and sometimes sadness burns.  when it's 3am in the morning and you're listening to georgia on repeat and you sob and sob and sob into a pillow until you've become a mess of tears and snot; when the pain is so immense that you're on your knees begging for someone to take it away...when you wake up the following morning with tear blotched cheeks and the face of literal death.....i don't know where i intend to go with this....i just know that it hurts the most when you have to blink back tears, when you've got to have mental battles with yourself to prevent that one single teardrop from rolling down your cheek because they're just going to come cascading down like a waterfall and there would be no fucking way you'd be able to piece yourself back together within the span of five minutes...i don't know.  i used to blame myself for feeling so much, for always, always, always being on the receiving end of heartbreak and maybe i still do when things fall apart but this is where you need to tell yourself that it's okay to feel that it's okay to not be okay that it's really not always your fault.  i miss you, i still do and maybe always will, but this is where everything is numbing itself out...this is where i no longer feel the pain at full force anymore, this is where the swelling is beginning to stop, this is where i come to accept that maybe we are just not made to love each other as much as i would do most of anything for you, and as much as i want to love you.  i just don't ever want your cup to empty, i want to keep it full to the brim and i want you to keep all of the love you've never given me to someone who deserves it better, to someone who isn't perpetually trying to stay afloat, to someone who isn't so afraid of falling, to someone who can love you in a better time, a better place, to someone who just...can never be me.

i think i don't want it anymore.  i'm so, so, so tired and i don't think i've ever realized that