i carry it with me

a prose, my first & my last


love never was about having somewhere to park your heart, yet there always was a special place for you in mine, marked in red, reserved - an exclusive lot just for you to make yourself at home, to rest your weary soul, to spill your secrets your fears your dreams and everything you'd find in the darkest corners of your mind

and now that you're gone i carry it with me.

i carry it with me no matter how heavy a burden it is to bear, i fold you up, i tuck you away, i bury you in the crevices of forgotten places, yet i still carry it with me.  i carry it along with me in all its intensity, layering it upon with hurt you've inflicted onto me.  i carry it with me even when the world is too much to bear.   i travel to another portal of time, another space,  another universe in the wake of my dreams, yet it's still there - this small, inhabited space in my heart that was always meant for you.  sometimes this space in my heart yearns for yours, sometimes this space in my heart wants you to come home to me.  but i carry that with me too, the longing, the missing, the yearning

perhaps 'cause it's just never quite hit me that
maybe you don't need this parking lot anymore, you're just another star that has floated its way along into better skies, and i am, but a mere speck of a moment in the grand illusions of time, i am momentary shelter in the pouring rain, i am a wave, a ripple, a passing thought, a cigarette break
yet you always were, to me - ruminations and liminal spaces and the reason behind every song ever sung every book ever written; but what is time when it comes to you? and so i carry on, but i carry it with me too

though it could never change the fact that
my heart is made of empty parking lots, but there's only a single space that's always been reserved for you

yeah i carry it with me, and i fucking hate that i do