you fucked me up. i hope you know that
i don't know what to think or do anymore - i feel like i am nothing more than a mere object, like some sort of a possession and you are a hoarder of toys and i'm just nothing more than something that's sitting on a shelf, used once or twice and then i'm obsolete - as you prey on newer things that are glittery and gorgeous while i'm neglected and forgotten and shrouded in dust. your eyes are always veiled with lust, of a teething greed that's glittering with obsession for all that's bright and new and beautiful and i'm paling and crumbling and that's how they all see me don't they. you are only ever new and refreshing and interesting and different for awhile but they don't ever want to know you. they just want to get into you and take all of you, every single bit that's left and leave you until there's really nothing left. they fuck you so hard they take the very life out of you and you're just barely gasping for air. but you don't know why you are. what's the point of breathing anymore. i don't trust anyone anymore, and i should've known. who am i going to trust when the person i've loved and trusted the most could take that with him and walk away. fucking walking away when he's the last person you ever expected to leave, and to leave the way he did. and here i am, barely making a home out of anywhere, barely scraping through, barely getting by, barely treading the water, barely even fucking breathing. what am i really. i feel like grime and scum and everything unwanted except that when you fucking hit rock bottom nothing hurts anymore. you just cling onto the fact that numb is a fucking blessing. that you're always going to end up being trampled on no matter what you fucking do. and perhaps i've reached the point where i've gotten trampled on, tossed around and treated like grime to a point where it's this numbness that stands. and honestly i don't know what i'm doing or living for anymore. it's the halves that halve you in half isn't it, well i'm barely even a halve anymore. this is fucking despair and i'm just never enough and i really just want it all to end. i really do
i don't know how to be anymore
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