the things we do

This feels so, so, so, wrong.  Maybe at some point it felt right.   Maybe at some point I felt like this is where I've always wanted to be.  Maybe at some point I thought that things were going to work out for all the times that they didn't.   But for some reason it's beginning to dawn on me now that maybe i've made yet another grave mistake, an accumulation of wrong moves one after another.  I am so, so, scared of how things might start to pan out and I am so, so afraid of having to bear the repercussions of what I've already gotten myself into.  All I know now is that we can't keep going on like this and all I know now is that I am so, so afraid of beginning again,  of falling apart like I already have a thousand times before.  I've been up all night thinking about you, and about this, and how quickly things have escalated that I no longer have the control I thought I did.  I know for sure that I sure did enjoy the thrill, but now that the pain's kicking in, I don't even know if this high was ever worth it after all.  All I know now is that we've already gotten ourselves into this game of mastermind and somehow, we're both going to lose.