i feel like a faltering, blundering mess this past week and the thought of you does nothing more than to start entire storms within me, for you are nothing more to me than pouring rain and thunderstorms and a very palpable feeling of loss. i feel like some parts of me have lost entire battles, not in a call of self defeat but in painful futility and inadequacy within and without and i really really hate to say this but i miss you, in gasping breaths, in rolling waves and the few conscious moments between dream and wake, i miss you more than i could possibly muster, more than one human being could miss another. i wish you knew how much it'll ache, or the way you'd start forest fires within my lungs, or the way it haunts me some nights, i wish you knew your very last words still cut me like a razor, that there is hurt way more intense than the way the skin pierces and tears, i wish you knew or i wish i could tell you, but your heart is a place i no longer belong in, and that i should stop chasing waterfalls, that maybe it's time to pick yourself up and leave. i feel like i've learnt so much about my self the past 6 months, yet it's still the same old feelings floating back once more — the disembodied sadness of having had, then not having at all, the presence of touch traded in for the presence of absence — perhaps this is what it is to be so awfully, so painfully human, for we never really quite deal with loss the right way, we never really cope with the prospect of letting go. but we are learning everyday, that there will be times where you could never open your eyes long enough to look the day in the eye, and there will be nights where you'll have to fall asleep knowing that you'll be where you were when you weren't with each other; and we all know within ourselves that dwelling on things that shouldn't be dwelt upon will never be good for any organ in the body. i look at you each time and am reminded of all the ways a soul can bruise, i look at you and i feel like i could understand why people romanticize sadness all the time, for these are beautiful words for the ugliest feelings — but at least they'd get you by. i look at you each time and am reminded of how i used to think we'd always see the same horizons but our worlds look up at such different skies. i look at you and i look at myself and i could never understand why we'd weave ourselves around other people, for all the people we meet are long drawn-out goodbyes, but i did it for you and i hope some day i'd find it in me to do it all over again, even though it makes my voice weak and my palms shake and i feel all kinds of fucked up because there are only so many things you do that you actually mean, there are only so many things in this world that are this real and true...and i want to leave this life with my heart a creaking, broken, stitched up mess, i want to leave this life knowing i've done everything i could, i want there to be rivers flowing from the ridges of where my heartaches used to be i want there to be streams and brooks and waterfalls into each other and i want to be so shattered and so full of the world like the way i once felt (for you), for this is the most honest i've ever been my entire existence and this is the way i always want it to be.
perhaps one day the thought of all these suns rising without you will be much less frightening than it used to be.
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